Hoorah for the Whitecoats! The Daily Mail’s Easy Guide to the History of Science and Exploration.

Not now, love, I’m trying to do science.

Feeling disorientated by all the ethnic minority women in academia?

Confused by science now that it’s not just being done by white men?

Fear not, good sir! Ephraim Hardcastle is here to help with his handy guide to the History of Science.

c. 10,000yrs BC. The Invention of Farming. Can women really have it all? No, they cannot! On learning that pursuing careers as hunter-gatherers is making them unhappy and giving them cancer they start to appreciate the value of staying at home and cooking.

2,560 BC. Egyptians complete the Pyramids of Giza. A pivotal moment. Allows a bunch of swarthy chaps to peer into Britain and notice our generous welfare state.

Ancient Greeks. A lot of namby-pamby Guardian-reading intellectuals if you ask me. Wore skirts and read philosophy. Probably ate quinoa and watched Newsnight.

The Dark Ages. You’re telling me! At this time you practically had to be an Arab or Chinese to get into science. Positive discrimination run mad.

1497. Still looking for ways to sneak into Europe, Indians allow themselves to be discovered by Vasco Da Gama.

Francis Bacon (1561-1626). Rubbish scientist. Thought that by observing the FACTS you could make deductions and come to actual conclusions. Respectfully, sir, the Daily Mail disagrees. Especially when you’re only saying what everyone’s thinking. Your paintings were a bunch of modern art crap too.

1895. Science becomes ‘all grown up’ when a Bohemian called Vince performed the first breast implant. Women become interesting.

1934. Death of Marie Curie, proving once again the dangers of women having careers. Should’ve stayed at home and looked after the children, love.

1946. Invention of the Bikini. Total smut. Moral standards plummet. Cliff Richard appalled at the shocking levels of flesh. Turn to page 5 for pictures.

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